Teaching a Jew the meaning of Christmas

It seems strange to me that the other day I had my friend over to my house. We'll call him the bad shoe guy-mostly because of his sense of style, or lack thereof. So, the bad shoe guy comes over to help me hang up a dartboard that he had given us and while we are working on it, he notices that my home has the beginnings of our Christmas decorations up. (See The Damn Angst Quiz) While he was gazing at the decorations, he noticed one special trinket: The Abominable. Being the fan that I am, I have a knick knack. He says, "That guy was awesome in Monsters, Inc." Which is interesting because the knick knacks I have are on a red mat, in a house with Christmas decorations, and sitting next to five other knick knacks that are from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I reply to the bad shoe guy, "That Abominable is from Rudolph, not Monsters, Inc." His response: "There's an Abominable Snowman in Rudolph?"

WHAT PLANET DID YOU JUST COME FROM?!?

That's like saying, "There's a witch in the Wizard of Oz?" or "There's a rabbit in Alice in Wonderland?"

I can't even remember the series of witty and brilliant responses that I had that were intended to humiliate him for forgetting the coolest part of the t.v. show. Then, he dropped the bomb. And just to be punny, I'll say he dropped the A-bom. He says, "I'm Jewish, of course I've never seen Rudolph." To which I again reply,

WHAT PLANET DID YOU JUST COME FROM?!?

At this point, I happen to be thinking to myself, "Well, I am Christian but that didn't stop me from watching Real Sex on HBO when I was a kid." (Yes, you sexist bastards, girls watch that shit, too.) Why did I watch Real Sex? Not because I was interested, but because that was ALL THAT WAS ON past ten on the channel and if you weren't watching cable past ten, then you were watching infomercials and you can only watch those for so many years... You couldn't avoid the show. If you watched HBO in the nineties, you had at least watched one clip from Real Sex. (Thank you HBO for being my sex ed teacher, you taught me well.) So, despite being Jewish, how do you manage to avoid a show that has been on for 41 years? You have to live in one pretty big Jewish Cave to avoid that shit. Especially considering that bad shoe guy has been alive 28 of those 41 years. C'mon. The argument continues, and again and again his only retort is that he didn't see it because he was Jewish. Which brings me to my next complaint: How in the BLUE HELL did Christianity become synonymous with Santa Claus? I don't recall signing that sonofabitch's paychecks. If my sources are correct, the belief in Santa Claus is just as pagan as worshiping Osiris or the Golden Calf. And don't feed me this crap about how we get him because of the whole St. Nicholas thing, either. There's no way that our Saints somehow mean that we get pegged with eight (nine including Rudolph) reindeer and magical elves that fulfill toy fantasies. This is precisely why I have a large beef with Constantine and his decision to have pagan holidays coincide with Christian ones, i.e. changing the celebration of Christ's birth and coupling it with the pagan ritual that somehow involves trees, and right now all that eludes me and I will rant about it some other time. My point being: this Jew has no excuse to pin Rudolph on me and he needs to get off his ass and watch it.

In the end, he tries to convince me that both abominable's are one in the same, which is why he shouldn't have to go back and watch the show. Once again I have to chop the bad shoe guy down to size by countering that only hard core Rudolph fans would know that they can't be the same because the Abominable in Rudolph lost his teeth when the gay dentist elf pulled them out right before he went over the cliff, or Herbie did some serious caps before his Monsters debut...

Are they the same? I am open for your thoughts...

And even more titillating for the brain...Is Donald Sutherland the true Abominable? Maybe you are the one who holds the key to unlock this unsolved mystery...

P.S. I am not really anti-semetic and I would appreciate you holding back on the hate mail.